1376
Dear Diary,
Fuck. I think about this a lot. Happiness is somewhere else. I lived my life like this for a long time. Running, you know, thinking that if I could just make it to the horizon, I would find everything I was looking for.
For a few years it was literal, I moved around, traveling, changing ideas of who I wanted to be, thinking that the geography was the missing piece. After that it was jobs, futures, lovers, friends, pets, hobbies…. anything that wasn’t what I was in that moment.
None of it worked. Everywhere I went, everything I did, everyone I loved- I still took myself with me.
7 months ago I was diagnosed with a disease that statistically indicates 1 out of every 5 of us diagnosed will kill ourselves. This is not looking so good. ( Necessity)
I just celebrated 6 months of sobriety yesterday. I went gay camping with my sober queers and 2 of my dearest friends. I’ve been starting my twelve steps, though it’s going pretty slowly. But I know that if I follow these steps other people have done before me I know I will change. (Hope)
But tonight, I de-femmed my closet. I didn’t anticipate to have so many feelings. Each dress I pulled out had a memory… an old lover, an old friend, parties, bars, manic episodes, backpacking through Kenya, college, old jobs, current jobs, promotions, shows, sex… etc. It was a little bittersweet, to say goodbye to all the versions of myself I have grown so comfortable with. but it’s so full of hope to embrace something new. To be more than a little cheesy, it felt like letting go of trying to be something I’m not, and instead, making room for myself. Which has kind of been the theme of the last 6 months.
But I’ve done the work- the shrinks, the meds, the dbt, the sobriety. I’ve built community around myself, said yes, tried all the things- poetry, music, rock climbing, gay gay and more gay, camping, and all the little adventures in between. I have cut ties with the negative people in my life and tried my very best to not take all of the fantastic people in my life now for granted. And it’s paying off. (Plan to win)
I found happiness, and it’s here. In Seattle. And I’m not worried for the the day I move away. Because, well, wherever I go, I take myself with me.
Love,
M
(via erosum)
